Linens N Things

…can bite me. I generally don’t go to emporiums of domestic languishing. I only went today to get away from the game. So, I walk around starry- eyed wondering why I don’t have a stainless steel cheese display set, or a pepper and salt ball that, when squeezed, grinds its contents to exact oolitic seasoning delights. These places are truly obnoxious—on the level of that HORRIBLE woman on the Levitra ad that is so freakily horny, so “let me get in your pants”, so “I DO love giving blow-jobs.” But I digress. So I get home with my $200 worth of purchases and instantly come to my senses. I will return about $150 worth of the stuff I bought. But that’s not the worst of it, when making sure that I have the receipt, I notice that they overcharged me for TWO items.

Is anyone else watching Wickedly Perfect? I’m not proud. Wickedly Perfect is a Martha Stewartish competition where the winner gets a “lifestyles” show of her very own. Sheesh, I’m all over the place. Stay with me…this will all come together….I hope…So, the competitors are all about being the best host by creating an utopian domestic moment in time. Thing is, the competitors are so mean-spirited and awful (which, by the way, makes for fine television watching) that you have to imagine they’d be horrible hosts. And they are, just like Linen N Things, they put on a happy face, imparting feelings of comfort and covetousness that all good hosts inspire in you but then, when you get home, you realize that you’ve paid way too much for what you got because the truth is, you didn’t like that host and now you feel guilty for accepting her competitiveness in the guise of generosity. And the other truth is that you don’t like Linens N Things and its dishonest promise of a home and family more prefect and you feel guilty for falling for it.